Raising Children Who Think for Themselves

Dedication

What This Book is About

The Five Essential Qualities of Self-directed Children

Understanding Internal vs. External Direction

One

Creating the proper family environment so children are comfortable with who they are

• Eliminating elements that foster external direction

• A word about sibling influence

• The importance of a family identity

Two

Helping children develop healthy internal dialogue

• Questioning

• Statement prompts

• Giving children choices we can live with

• Modeling internal dialogue

• Walk-throughs

• Pros and cons list

• Consequence list

• Using praise and rewards that promote internal rather than external direction

• Derailing unhealthy internal dialogue

• Helping them confront their unhealthy internal dialogue

• Helping them rebound from the effects of facing the truth

• Helping them find solutions through honest, healthy internal dialogue

• Modeling our own inner honesty for our children

Three

Helping children develop and rely on their natural intuition

• Modeling the use of our own intuitive powers

• Encouraging them to follow their own hunches

• Teaching children how to strengthen their intuitive powers

• Playing intuition games

• Keeping an intuition journal

• Teaching children how to receive intuitive signals more clearly

Four

Teaching children empathy and “benevolent selfishness” to immunize against external direction

• Teaching children how benevolent selfishness works

• Helping children understand others by using the “empathy triad”

• Helping children develop empathy through service

• Helping children use internal dialogue to develop empathy

• Helping children develop empathy through role play

• Using “I messages” to teach children empathy

• Teaching children empathy by voicing and acting out our own empathy

• Teaching children empathy by not criticizing the unfortunate

Five

Disciplining to promote internal direction

• What it means to discipline in a way that promotes internal direction

• The twelve basic requirements of self-directed discipline

• Eight discipline techniques that encourage self-direction

Six

Helping children rebound from failure

• Discussing our own mistakes with our children

• Not denying opportunities to excel as a consequence for misbehavior

• Sharing lessons we’ve learned from our own mistakes

• Teaching the value of failed attempts

• Teaching children to strive for personal excellence, not perfection

• Using mistake contests

• Downplaying past failures

• Teaching “failure tolerance” by not over-reacting to their mistakes

• Encouraging mistakes

• Encouraging independence

• Showing how to separate failures from self-worth

• Accepting suffering as a good thing

Seven

Helping children handle real-world external influences in a self-directed way

• Drugs and alcohol

• Violence among children

• Modern technology

• The hurried life

• Consumerism vs. simplicity

• Sexuality

• Body image and the perception of Beauty

• The winner/loser mentality and competition

Accidents

Aggressive physical acts

Alcohol, drugs and smoking

Animal Cruelty

Annoying Habits (Nose-Picking, Nail Biting, Etc.)

Arguing Disrespectfully

Bad grades

Bathing Hassles in Younger children

Bedtime Hassles

Bed-wetting

Begging

Birthday hassles

Blaming Others (Lack of Accountability)

Body Piercing, Tattoos and Other Body Embellishments

Boredom

Borrowing Things without Returning Them

Bragging

Brushing Teeth and Other Personal Hygiene Items

Bullying

Car Hassles

Cheating in School

Clinging to Parents

Cliques

Committing Crimes

Complaining

Crying Inappropriately

Cult Involvement

Curfew Breaking

Cursing and Other Forms of Inappropriate Language

Dawdling and Procrastinating

Defiance

Demanding

Destruction of Property

Disrespect

Dressing Hassles

Eating Hassles

Fidgeting

Forgetfulness

Friend Hassles

Gang Involvement

Getting Into Things That Don’t Belong To Them

Going Somewhere Other Than Where They Said

Growing Up Too Soon (Makeup, Dress, Dating, Sex, Etc.)

Helplessness

Homework Hassles

Illness (Faking It)

Interrupting

Jealousy

Laziness

Losing Things

Lying

Manipulative Behavior

Manners (The Lack of)

Materialism and Consumerism

Mealtime Hassles

Messiness

Morning Hassles

Negativity

Nightmares

Noisiness

Pestering, Poking and Shoving

Pornography and Sexual irresponsibility

Promise Breaking

Public Hassles

Running Away From Home

Safety Rule Breaking

School Misbehavior

School Phobia

Sex Before They’re Ready

Sharing and Possessiveness

Shyness

Sibling Rivalry

Spitting

Sportsmanship (Poor)

Stealing and Shoplifting

Sulking and Pouting

Tantrums (Physical and Verbal)

Tattling

Teasing and Name Calling

Telephone, TV electronic game and computer addiction

Thumb and Finger Sucking

Toilet Training Troubles

Touching Everything

Truancy

Unreliability and Irresponsibility

Vanity

Wastefulness

Whining

Withdrawal to Their Room

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