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email: elisa at drmedhus.com

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Hearing is Believing: How Words Can Make or Break our Kids

Foreward by Bernie Siegel, M.D.

Many people do not realize how important the words we choose are to the well-being of our children. Kids who grow up around adults who use communication to foster self-esteem and self-worth are less likely to become addicts or delve into self-destructive behavior, searching for feelings that they never felt from their parents, teachers, and clergy. In fact, studies even show they are physically healthier all their lives, too.

Starting in childhood, our connections and relationships are what create our lives and make them meaningful. I come from a minority: those who were loved by their parents, had no problems in school, and got along with God. I respected and loved my parents, and they did the same for their children. Their voices always went with me, and when I made agreements with them, I never broke the faith we shared.

I always tell people if you want to encourage children, say nice things about them to other adults while they are within earshot. How does that help? I can remember as a child hearing my father say, “That boy will be a success no matter what he decides to do.” He said that to his friends thinking I was out of the house, so I knew he really meant it. It made me feel very good about myself, much more so than if he had said it to me directly. Elisa Medhus has also discovered this tactic, referring to it as “overheard praise,” which she discusses in chapter 7.

Don’t ever forget that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. In communicating with kids, indifference crops up as telling children what to do without listening to what they have to say. I have learned that when I listen to my children share their problems, they always say, “Thanks, Dad, you’re a big help.” When I instead prescribe advice and don’t listen, they say, “You’re no help.” In listening to children, we give them the opportunity to realize who and where they are and what they need to do.

Criticism can be helpful, but it has to be constructive, nonjudgmental, and given in the way a coach would criticize a performer to improve their performance. If you say, “There is something wrong with you,” you are not criticizing the child’s actions or skills; you are hurting them. You need to express love to your child even when you might not like their actions, a fact that Elisa Medhus thoroughly explains in this book.

Don’t project your faults and problems onto your children. When disputes arise, learn to listen to their criticism and to say, “I’m sorry.” After that, healing can occur and relationships can be strengthened. By not making excuses and by accepting responsibility for your actions, you can teach your children to do the same. One way of doing this is to use the pronoun “I” when talking about how you feel, rather than blaming them for what you are experiencing. Then you are not criticizing them but expressing your feelings, and they can respond without feeling blamed. Elisa Medhus refers to this as using “I” statements, and she offers numerous examples to show you how you can adopt this practice yourself.
Here’s an example of my own: many years ago when one of our sons was discussing buying a motorcycle, I told him about my experience as a surgeon with people who had been in accidents while riding motorcycles. He gave me a hard time, and we debated the topic. I shared from my heart my concerns and how I was sure I would worry each time the phone rang that it might be a call telling me he had been in an accident. After arguing with me and testing me, he went back to his friends, gave them my lecture, and told them, “no motorcycles.”

The key to listening is that it will allow you to understand. And when you understand you can forgive and heal your relationship. When I feel hurt by one of our children I tell them so, and invariably they share what is happening in their life and why they acted as they did. We heal and move on. Remember that the child is a mirror of the parent; what you see in your child that you do not like is what is within you that you do not like.

Another thing my family has learned is to use certain sayings to communicate the need for change. When I was acting overpowering, my kids would say, “Dad, you’re not in the operating room now.” I would always take a step back after that one. Another example is a phrase my wife uses to quiet me down. (I come from a large, loud family, and sometimes my volume is too much for her.) Because we now have a house full of pets, my wife gets me to lower my volume by saying, “Honey, you’re frightening the animals.”

I also have been known to let my children experience “logical consequences,” as Elisa Medhus puts it. For example, when my kids were young I would usually refuse to fix or replace things they had broken when roughhousing or fighting. The kids would have to live without the broken things, and this consequence was another effective communication tool.

Today my children are grown, but still they never finish a conversation, in person or over the phone, without saying, “I love you.” There is nothing I will ever hear that says as much to me as those three words. Listen to the children in your life, and chances are you will hear those words, too.

When you love your children and speak to them following the guidelines Elisa Medhus offers in this book you will avoid turning them into ugly ducklings who must find their own beauty and reparent themselves. So listen, believe, and heal.

Bernie Siegel, M.D.