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How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction
The best way to make children good is to make them happy. —Wilde
Here are some periodically updated inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children’s ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope, you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.
To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the rule and the consequences for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you, as the parent, to model the right behavior. If you’re expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.
And lastly, don’t forget to laugh.
Children
break, spill and knock over things as though it’s a national pastime. Part of
the reason for these accidents is they haven’t quite figured out the
relationship between their bodies and the space around them. And sometimes,
their reflexes are inappropriately quick, making them difficult to manage.
Occasionally, though, children will have accidents to manipulate, annoy, or take
revenge, but this motive is exceedingly rare.
Have
them clean up their own spills and pay for those things they break. If they have
to do tasks above and beyond their usual chores to earn extra money, so be it.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Make
observations that are nonjudgmental: “It seems like your glass of milk was
resting on your place mat. Maybe that’s why it tipped over.” “Throwing a
ball in the house is not safe for the indigenous lamp population.”
If
they’re new at whatever task backfired, observe what was good. “Everyone
spills sometimes, Timmy. But did you see how you got the carton of milk out of
the refrigerator by yourself? After you clean up, let’s give it another
try!”
Use
humor: Pretend like you’re a news anchor holding an imaginary mike to your
mouth and say: “This just in, folks: an earthquake registering 6.5 on the
Richter scale has just been reported with the epicenter located on the breakfast
table at the Medhus’s house.”
Use
minimalist techniques: “Tommy, milk.” Point to the mess.
Use
questioning to get them to think about their actions: “How do you think I feel
about having syrup all over the floor?” “What do you think you can do now to
make things all right?”
Give
choices: “If you clean up that milk, then you can try pouring another glass
again.”
If
they have an “accident” on purpose, whether to manipulate or show their
anger, they should also be given a time-out to rethink their motives.
Children
resort to physical aggression for many reasons. Some aren’t quite mature
enough
to think about the consequences and control their impulses. Some are more
skilled non-verbally than verbally, so they don’t know how to handle conflicts
with words, especially in the heat of the moment. Some children can’t handle
feelings that overwhelm them, especially anger and frustration.
They
should be removed to another place to cool off. Once there, guide them through
an appropriate reasoning process. Show them that you understand their feelings:
“I know how angry you must have felt when Jimmy took your turn in line. It’s
okay to feel angry, even with one of your friends.”
Teach
them empathy: “How do you think Jimmy felt when you bit him?” “How does it
feel when someone bites you?”
Help
them find alternatives: “What words can you use next time to let Jimmy know
he’s making a bad choice?”
Teach
them to make amends: “What can you do now to make Jimmy feel better?”
If
they persist in using aggressive acts as a means of resolving their conflicts,
tell them, “I’m afraid you might make the same bad choice again, so Jimmy
has to go home, now.”
Let
them know that you have faith in them to make better choices: “Maybe you and
Jimmy can play together tomorrow when we go to the park. I know you’ll choose
to use your words next time.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “James, what are the rules about hitting in our family?”
“What do you need to do next time instead?” “What do you need to do to
make your sister feel better?” This questioning helps them develop their own
internal dialogue later on.
Give
impartial descriptions and information: “Hitting is not allowed in our
family.” “Sarah looks like she was really hurt by that kick.”
Some
children benefit from learning relaxation techniques like breathing exercises
and meditation. These techniques allow children to cool off enough to think
about the consequences of their actions.
Give
limited choices: “When you stop pulling cat’s tail, then you can play with
her again.”
Occasionally,
children with speech/language disorders can have trouble with aggression. If you
think your child may have such a disorder, ask the teacher to make a referral to
the school speech/language pathologist.
Children
resort to substance abuse for many reasons, all of which I’ve discussed in
chapter 7.
The
consequences should be harsh and nonnegotiable. For instance, they can be
subjected to a three-month period where they’re not allowed to go out with
their friends: “John, you’re making too many terrible choices when you’re
with your friends, so I’ll have to remove you from them until I feel
comfortable that you’re ready to make more responsible decisions.”
Take
their car away for three months. They can spend a couple of weekends
volunteering in a halfway house for teens recovering from substance abuse
problems or in other community service projects that deal with this same issue.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Have
your child and the rest of the family get appropriate counseling if substance
abuse is more than a one-time experiment. Investigating family relationships and
uncovering depression or other psychiatric illnesses may be vital.
Use
examples. I love to point out the old folks dragging their oxygen canisters
behind them in the grocery store, with long green tubes connecting them via
their nostrils. Or how about that drunk singing show tunes at the bus stop?
Pretty hip, eh?
Use
questioning: “What are the rules about smoking in our family?” “Why do you
suppose we have that rule?” “What do you think when you see Aunt Sally
smoking?”
“When
you make better choices and stop sneaking alcohol at parties, then we’ll feel
more comfortable about giving you back your car.”
Sometimes
children are so overwhelmed with affection for their pets that they
inadvertently squeeze the stuffing out of them, so to speak. Some are just
curious to see what happens when they kick, prod, or hurl Kitty across the room.
On rare occasion, children have a psychiatric illness that causes them to have
sadistic urges.
Take
the animal away from your child. If they can’t play with their pets gently,
they shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy the benefits of playing with them at all.
If
the behavior persists, give the animal to someone who’ll take better care of
it.
Ask
your local SPCA if your child can volunteer for a weekend or two.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Ask
them how they think they’d feel if someone treated them the same way.
Let them know what could happen to the animal, if they kept subjecting it to
cruel treatment.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Brownie looks scared and sad after
being treated that way.” “Being rough with animals is cruel and is not
allowed in our family.”
Use
the when/then approach: “When you can treat your hamster more gently, then you
can have her back.”
Give
your child a choice: “Jane, you can either treat the dog more gently or
we’ll have to give her to Aunt Sally, who I know will treat her with more
respect.”
Ask
your children what they were feeling at the time and help them find alternative
ways of expressing that feeling.
Almost
everyone has annoying little habits, but when our children do, it drives us
nuts. So, we nag and nag and nag until the whole ordeal becomes a huge power
struggle that keeps the habit alive and kicking (or picking, as the case may
be). Some children develop these
habits because of stress, some develop them because they have a physical
condition like a tic disorder, and some develop them just because.
If
your children engage in a disgusting habit like nose-picking, remove them from
the group: “Other people don’t like to watch someone eating their boogers,
Adam. You’ll have to leave the room to spare them the anguish.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
chide or nag your children to get them to stop. Give choices instead: “Debbie,
it’s okay to pick your nose with a tissue as long as you do it in private.”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Picking your toenails is a nasty
habit. We don’t allow that in public, much less at the table table.”
Use
questioning: “Frank, how do you think it makes others feel when they watch you
eat your boogers?”
Use
minimalist parent techniques: “Harry, nose.” Point to your nose and say your
child’s name: “Janie.”
Use
humor: “Spring cleaning, Thomas?” “Finding anything interesting?”
Ask
your children what motivates them to bite their nails, incessantly clear their
throat, and so on. Is it because they’re nervous? If so, maybe the source of
that nervousness is something you can help them with.
Arguing
inappropriately is often a way for children to test their limits or let off
steam. Some feel over-controlled and argue to rebel. Most are still
inexperienced in finding respectful ways to settle a conflict.
When
your children argue disrespectfully with you, ask them to leave the room. You
don’t need to be subjected to any unnecessary rudeness.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices or observations: “Brandon, it looks like you’re angry at me for
telling you to clean up your room. How do you think I should have handled it
instead?” “It makes me feel angry and frustrated when you talk to me that
way.” “Tom, you can either tell me why you’re so angry in a respectful
way, or you can leave the room and try again when you’ve had a chance to cool
off.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about arguing disrespectfully?” “Why do
you think we have that rule?” “How can you get your point across without
breaking that rule?” “What do you need to do to make amends?”
Use
humor to defuse the tension: Place a sign on your forehead that reads “Kick
me. If it’s good enough for our little Johnny, it’s good enough for you.”
First
of all, it’s not the grades that are important here. What is worrisome
is that it might be an indication that children have lost their enthusiasm for
learning and whatever effort this involves. Many things can cause our children
to have this problem: depression, procrastination, unappreciated learning styles
(a kinesthetic learner being taught purely by auditory instruction), the fear of
being branded a nerd, and the fear of failure.
Children
should never be disciplined for making bad grades unless their poor scholastic
performance is caused by bad choices: staying up and talking on the phone
instead of doing their homework, going to a party instead of studying, etc. If
this is the case, they shouldn’t be allowed to engage in any of these
distractions until their homework is completed.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices: “James, if you finish your math in time, you might have time to go to
the movies with Billy.”
Give
impartial descriptions and information: “I see you’re watching TV instead of
working on your book report. I’m wondering what will happen if you don’t
turn it in on time.”
Use
minimalist parent techniques: “Bobby…science project!”
Use
humor: Attach a sign on their school books: “Lonely and ignored by current
owner. Please play with me.”
Use
questioning: “Tommy, is that term paper due this week?”” “What do you
need to do to avoid running into problems with this assignment?”
Know
what kind of learners (visual, multi-sensory, auditory, kinesthetic, etc.) your
children are. Help them “learn how to learn” in their own style and give
suggestions to their teacher along these same lines.
Teach
your children how to handle defeat early on. Give them small feats that won’t
be totally devastating for them if they fail. Point out whatever they do well in
that accomplishment, no matter how small or trivial it seems.
Let
your children know that you love them regardless of the grades they make. Teach
them that the knowledge and skills they attain and their continued love of
learning are the only things that really matter in the end.
Let’s
face it. Our younger kids can always find something more important to do
than bathing, at least from their perspective.
Let
your children know that bathing is not a choice. But deciding if Daddy or Mommy
shampoos their hair, choosing whether story time or bath time comes first and so
on are choices they can make. If they still pitch a fit when bath time
comes around, they should lose their right to make those small but important
choices. Furthermore, they’ll lose their bedtime story since they decided to
fill that time with their whining, begging, and other measures of resistance.
If
they refuse to take a bath, they won’t be allowed to subject the public to
their negligent hygiene practices. This means not going over to Trent’s house
to play, not going to the movies, not joining you on your errands, and so on.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices: “Do you want to brush your teeth or bathe first?” “When you’ve
cleaned up, then you can go with me to the grocery store.”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Dirty children aren’t allowed in
the grocery store.” “We believe in cleanliness in our family.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about bathing?” “What would be the
consequences if you never took a bath?”
Use
the minimalist parent approach: “Howie…bath time now!”
Use
humor: Pretend you don’t see your child and say to your parenting cohort in
crime: “Have you seen Larry? I can’t find him. All I see is a wiggling lump
of coal in the middle of his room.”
Most
children resist going to bed because they don’t want to miss any of the action
happening with the rest of the family. Sometimes, they enjoy waging a great big
power struggle, because that means they get more of your attention.
If
your children don’t finish their “pre-bedtime” routine in time, like
brushing their teeth, taking their bath, and putting on their pajamas—guess
what! There won’t be enough time for a bedtime story. (Be sure to always find
enough time to tuck them in and kiss them, though.)
If
your children get to bed late, they’ll be tired, and next day and you can
capitalize on their sleep deprivation by creating logical consequences. “Jane,
you look exhausted after not getting enough sleep. I guess you won’t be able
to go to Mirel’s party today after all.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices: “Would you like to go to bed at 7:30 or 7:45 tonight?”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about getting ready for bed?” “So, what
do you need to do now?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “It’s important to get enough sleep
every night to feel good the next day.” “I guess we won’t be able to go to
the park tomorrow, since you won’t have had enough sleep tonight.”
Use
humor: “The sleep fairy is twitching. She has a nervous breakdown when kids
don’t go to bed on time.”
Never
fall for the “one more glass of water” routine. My five-year-old used to
come up with all sorts of excuses: “I have one more question.” “I need to
go pee-pee.” “I need to go poo-poo.” “I’m thirsty.” “I forgot to
hug you.” “I forgot to give you a kiss.” If the original routine is
followed to the letter, everything else is just a stall tactic. Bedtime means
they must remain in their rooms until morning. Trust me, they won’t die of
thirst or hunger, and they won’t drown in a puddle of pee in their sleep.
Most
experts view bed-wetting as a sign of an immature neurological system or perhaps
a type of sleep disorder. Recent medical research, however, has found that many
children who wet the bed may have a deficiency during sleep of an important
hormone known as anti-diuretic hormone (ADH). ADH helps to concentrate urine
during sleep hours. Testing of many bed-wetting children has shown that these
children do not show the usual increase in ADH during sleep. Children with
enuresis, therefore, often produce more urine during the hours of sleep than
their bladders can hold. If they don’t wake up, the bladder releases the
urine, and the child wets the bed.
If
they’ve been dry all night for a long period of time and then begin to
wet their bed, you need to consult their physician, because this could be an
indication of a physical or emotional problem.
Give
your children the responsibility of removing the wet sheet from their beds,
washing the sheets, and replacing them with new ones. They might need some help
with this task, depending on their age, but even children as young as four or
five can manage the lion’s share of this task.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Again,
never ridicule or punish your children for bed-wetting. They simply can’t help
it, and you’re just asking for years of professional counseling bills for them
if you make it an issue of shame. Other than the logical consequences mentioned
above, there are no self-directed solutions to this problem. The condition is
largely physical and maturational. Internal dialogue is important only in their
handling bed-wetting without stigma rather than in stopping it altogether.
Some
kids know that if they beg long enough and in a voice that would make the cat
lose all of its fur, they’ll get their way.
It’s
important that you don’t take on the sense of urgency that your children
create when they beg. “Ho hum” should be your attitude here. Many
consequences will work well. For instance, if your children beg to go to the
park when you’ve already told them you have a meeting to attend, that’s it
for their park-going days for a week.
It
also helps to send them from the room you’re in. You don’t have to be
subjected to the irritation. They can be annoying in their own space.
If
you offer them some treat, and they beg for something better, the original offer
becomes null and void.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Unless
it’s obvious, give them an explanation for not acceding to their wishes. This
information is important for them to generate the necessary internal dialogue in
the future.
Using
questions can help them develop this internal dialogue: “What are the rules
about begging?” “Why do you think we have that rule?” “How can you
handle things differently next time?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Begging is the one sure way people
will not get what they want, in our family.”
Use
choices: “When you stop begging, then I can listen to whatever reasonable
grounds you think you may have for getting what you want.”
Use
humor: “Uh-oh! I think I hear the begging police” (make police care siren
sounds—don’t worry, it gets better with practice, then say the following in
a serious, authoritative voice): “Pull over lady. I have a report from
neighbors of a violation of the penal code 246.7 for incessant begging. Are you
aware of your rights?”
Some
children act up during their own birthday party, because they’re just so
overwhelmed with various emotions—excitement, anticipation, frustration,
disappointment, and so on. Children act up at other kids’ birthday parties
because they’re quite obviously not the center of attention.
If
your children can’t behave well at a birthday party, whether it’s for them
or for another child, take them away from the party. Take them home, if you have
to. Tell them you can’t allow them to spoil the day for everyone else.
If
your children don’t show thanks for a gift, even after a gentle reminder, that
gift should be immediately taken away and either returned or donated to a needy
and more appreciative child.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Before
your children go to another child’s party, discuss how they might feel about
someone else’s getting all of the attention.
Give
information like “The purpose of birthday parties is to show our friends and
families how glad we are to have had another great year together.” So, it’s
their responsibility to see that all of their guests have a good time.
Allow
your children help plan their own party. They feel empowered when you give
choices: “Do you want a chocolate or vanilla birthday cake?” If they’re a
guest, help them find some way to contribute to make the party more fun for the
guest of honor. For instance, maybe they can make up a special party game.
Instead
of gifts from the guests, ask them to bring a used or new book to donate to the
school library, or something similar. Your children should be the ones to decide
what sorts of items to donate, and they should be the lucky devils who
get to hand over the presents in person. When they do, they will feel so proud
that their altruism will become addictive. Afterwards, ask them questions:
“How did it make you feel to give those books to the library?” “How do you
think Mrs. Godfrey, the librarian, felt about your generosity?” Add impartial
descriptions like “Those books will make a big difference in your school
library. I’ll bet lots of kids will enjoy checking them out year after
year.”
Most
children don’t want to appear inadequate in front of other people. And they
certainly don’t want to be ridiculed, criticized, or punished for their
mistakes.
First
of all, never set your children up to lie. More about that later under
“Lying.” If
you
suspect them of doing something wrong, have them correct it or make amends in
some way. For instance, if you find your garage walls covered with Tempera
paint, hand each of your children a bucket of water and a scrub brush and tell
them, “It’s all yours.” Even if the innocents have to use a little elbow
grease, they’ll have bigger biceps to show for it. In other words, “it
ain’t gonna hurt ‘em!”
Have
your children take care of the feelings of those they unfairly blamed for their
own mistakes.
Solutions
toward self-direction
If
your children don’t accept the blame for a mistake they’ve made, tell them
flat out that you weren’t born yesterday. This candor stalls any attempts for
them to create rationalizations that, in turn, could progress to self-deception.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “We believe in being accountable for
our actions in our family.” “I remember you promised Josh you’d take over
his paper route this week.”
Provide
choices: “When you can accept responsibility for your actions, then you will
be given the privileges that go along with a higher level of maturity.”
Help
your children develop the inner dialogue they need to avoid blame-shifting.
Questioning
is perfect for this: “Didn’t you promise Josh you’d take over his paper
route this week?” “What do you think is motivating you to blame him for not
getting it done today?” “How do you feel when someone falsely accuses
you?” “What can you do to make things right?”
Let
your children know that it’s okay to make mistakes, but once they do, they
should focus immediately on a solution rather than find someone else to take the
rap.
Admit
your own mistakes and shortcomings freely to your children. You can’t possibly
raise them to be accountable for their actions when you aren’t accountable for
your own. And doing so will help them feel more at-ease in dealing with their
own mistakes through internal dialogue.
Point
out those times when your children do show a sense of accountability:
“Mary, I bet you’re so proud that you recognized your mistake and found a
way to make it all better. I don’t know many grown-ups that could do that!”
(Sadly, this is true.)
Give
your children age-appropriate tasks for which they can be responsible. If they
fail at the task, point out everything they did well, in spite of the end
result, guide them in correcting their mistake, and encourage them to keep
trying. Children who learn to recover from defeat are generally highly
accountable individuals.
Body
image is so important today. And children will do nearly anything to
distinguish themselves from the crowd through their outward appearance. It’s
as if they’re wearing a flashing neon sign around their necks that’s saying,
“Notice me, dammit! I’m special!” Unfortunately, half of their peers are
wearing that same darn sign.
Of
course, there are cultural issues involved. And there’s the matter of personal
taste. But if you’re the least bit skittish about your children making
permanent alterations in their external appearance, here are some suggestions:
If
your children follow the stipulations and limits you set forth, regretting their
decision will be consequence enough. Read on.
Solutions
toward self-direction
I’m
a firm believer in self-expression, but when the consequences of their
self-expression are permanent, children should be allowed to act only after
certain conditions have been met. For example, impose an age limit of fifteen
years. You can veto alterations to certain parts of their bodies, like nipple
studs (ouch!). To ensure they have the opportunity to feel the consequences of
their decision, require them to go through a dress rehearsal. If it’s a tattoo
they want, they need to wear a temporary henna tattoo first. If it’s an extra
piercing on their earlobe, have them wear magnetic studs for a few months first.
If they still want to go through with it after this waiting period, let ‘em go
for it! (But make them foot the bill!)
Explain
the risks of these procedures. For instance, tongue piercing can cause a serious
infection, but it can also alter dentition. The constant pushing of the stud
against the back of the front teeth pushes them forward. Might get mistaken for
Mister Ed or Trigger if they’re not careful.
Model
to your children the importance of embellishing what’s inside.
Questioning works well here: “How important is a person’s exterior
appearance nowadays?” “Do you think this emphasis is good or bad?” “Do
you sometimes feel pressured by this trend?”
If
you can think of any trends that were popular in your day and old-fashioned now,
point them out. And if you have any tattoos or body piercings, let your
children know how you feel about making a decision with lasting consequences.
“I was really excited about getting a tattoo when I was your age, but now,
I’d give anything to take it off. I’ve outgrown it years ago and am totally
sick of it.”
Children
today seem to expect every single second of their lives to be filled with the
most stimulating entertainment possible. After all, there are lots of options!
Couple this glut of options with the fact that most parents think their number
one job is to make their children happy, and the result is the never-ending
struggle to spare our children inevitable moments of boredom.
Let
your children either learn to make the most out of their quiet moments or fill
them with their own ideas for entertainment. Never try to save them from
frustration by fixing their boredom for them. This is not your job. But teaching
them how to handle that frustration is.
Solutions
toward self-direction
When
your children come up to you and whine, “I’m bored. There’s nothing to
do,” use questioning like, “What are you going to do to solve that
problem?” Better yet, tell them it’s good to be “bored” on occasion,
because it gives them time to recoup, reflect, and exercise that rusty inner
thinking mechanism between their two ears. They can think of it as a “Richard
Simmons Aerobics Hour” for their inner voice.
Try
to convey a sense of empathy, “I know how you feel. I feel bored from time to
time too.” (Would I give anything to remember what that feels
like again!)
Buy
only toys that stimulate their creativity and call for active participation, not
ones that passively entertain kids into zomboid states. Also limit your
children’s exposure to other passive forms of entertainment like computer and
video games and television. Toys should be designed to help them develop
internal dialogue rather than external reactions.
Children
get busy and forget. Some just don’t think about the effect they have on
others. Some don’t care. Some lose or break whatever they borrowed and hope
that if enough time goes by, the object will be forgotten.
If
your children break or lose an item they borrowed, help them find ways to make
amends, like earning money to pay for a new one or coughing up whatever it takes
to repair the damages.
If
your children forget to return something they borrowed, they certainly
shouldn’t be allowed to borrow that item again for awhile. Maybe they could
make amends by letting the loaner borrow whatever he or she wishes in return.
They could even be required to pay a small interest fee in either money or
deeds.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Have
clear family rules and boundaries on this subject. First, there should be no
“borrowing” without asking. Second, while objects are under their care, the
borrower is responsible for whatever happens to the items borrowed, regardless
of any “extenuating circumstances” (translation: lame excuses). Third, a
mutual agreement should be made on when the borrowed item should be returned.
Use
questioning: “What are our rules for borrowing?” “What do you need to do
to make things all right between you and your sister?” “How does it make you
feel when someone borrows your stuff without your permission?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “I see you borrowed Tommy’s bike
without his knowledge. I bet he’d be pretty upset if he found out.”
Never
get involved with borrowing incidents involving your children and their friends
or siblings. Let them find ways to work out any conflicts on their own. If they
never get their item back, they learn not to lend anything to that person in the
future and the other person learns that to be trusted, you have to be
trustworthy.
Children
brag to try to convince other people that they’re better than they really think
they are. Somehow, their self-esteem has taken a beating in the past, and
they’re struggling to repair it.
When
your children brag, they’ll get whatever consequences they deserve from those
who have to put up with it. Tell them how most people might react, though, so
that they’ll have something to think about when their friends roll up their
eyes and walk away.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children to find ways to appreciate who they are and discover their own
inner sense of worth. Eventually, these thoughts may become incorporated into
their internal dialogue.
Ask
your children questions to stimulate their internal dialogue: “How do you feel
when someone else brags? Don’t you find it annoying?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Johnny seemed to wrinkle up his nose
when you were talking about all the karate awards you won. It may have made him
angry.” “In our family, we try to make our friends feel good about
themselves, instead of trying to prove that we’re better.”
Role-play
bragging scenarios with your children, first with you, then with them, playing
the braggart. Again, this will help them develop internal dialogue about
bragging.
Why
they try to get out of doing it
Hey,
they’ve got better things to do, what can I say?
Do
you really think washing up before dinner or brushing their hair gets their
adrenaline going? Does clipping their nails make their spines tingle? I
seriously doubt it. If so, you probably have a very boring family.
If
your children don’t comb their hair or bathe regularly, they’ll find out
about it from their friends, eventually. Let them know how you feel about
the way they look and smell, but never nag them.
No
one comes to the dinner table without washing hands first. No cleany, no eaty.
As for dental hygiene, it’s not that easy. If they won’t brush their teeth
on their own, brush for them. If they’re seventeen years old, they might
squirm at the idea of you brushing their teeth while their blind date waits at
the door.
Uncut
nails will become annoying and deadly, unwashed hands will stink and gross them
out when they pick their noses, and their clothes will walk out the front door
on their own if they don’t do their laundry. In other words, personal hygiene
habits usually have a built-in consequence system that works pretty well.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children why hand washing and teeth brushing are so important. Bring
up some disgusting pinworm story or the specter of dental implants—if you’re
desperate.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “It’s already 7:00, and you
haven’t brushed your teeth, yet.”
Use
choices: “If you’ve finished washing your hands, then you can come to the
table to eat.”
Use
humor: Put a sign near the toothbrushes that reads something like “Wanted, new
home for neglected toothbrush.” Look in their mouths and feign dismay, saying
that the little sugar bugs are excavating a vacant lot on one of their molars so
they can put up a new shopping mall there.
If
your children don’t brush their hair in the morning and look like a cross
between Don King and a Pekinese, who cares? Sure, they might get a barrage of
nasty critiques from their peers, but we hope that they’ll make their
decisions based on their own opinions. If it becomes important enough,
they’ll start combing, trust me. If they just forget to “do their do” but
hate looking like a bed-head every morning, help them remember in a
nonjudgmental way: “Lukas, you’ve gotten ready for school so quickly.
Let’s see. You’re dressed, you’ve eaten, you’ve brushed your teeth, and
you have your lunch made. All you need is to comb that hair of yours a little,
and you’re off!”
Some
bullies feel so powerless and unaccepted that they must grab onto whatever power
they can by controlling, intimidating, and threatening. Many of these children
feel they have no meaningful niche among their peers. Still others have not been
raised with limits or been given consequences for their aggressive actions.
If
your children bully other children, they shouldn’t be allowed to play with
others until they’re prepared to make better choices. When you separate them
from the rest of their group, let them know your reasons. Any bullying should be
followed by having them make amends with their “victims.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children how to resolve conflicts without aggression. For instance,
role-play situations where first you and then they play the bully. Also try
role-playing different scenarios involving friend-to-friend interactions. This
process might include asking to share a toy, accepting “no” for an answer,
or sharing a bench at the school lunch table.
Help
your children discover ways that they can have a meaningful role within their
group of friends or among family members. For instance, you can take your child
and a few of his best friends to the movies. Tell him, in front of the others,
that since there are so many children for you to take care of in a busy public
place, his job is to make sure everyone treats each other nicely. His other
friends can have assignments, too, like keeping everyone together in one place,
making sure they’re quiet during the show,
or writing down the concession stand orders.
Questioning
can work well, too: “Do you think bullies earn more or less respect from their
friends?” “What do you think motivates someone to bully someone else?”
“How do you think most bullies feel about themselves?” (These questions
should be asked during clam moments rather than when the child is bullying
someone to avoid making the interrogation seem like a personal attack.)
Offer
your child choices: “When you learn to stop bullying Jimmy, then you can have
him over again.”
Some
children may need social skills training by professionals in a group setting
with peers who have similar problems.
If
your children are subjected to bullying by another child, let them handle it on
their own, unless there are any physical threats involved.
From
their standpoint, it’s torture sitting in one place for an eternity. Our
children are used to wide open spaces where noise travels unobstructed and the
distance between siblings is under their full control.
Never
start the car until everyone is buckled up. If someone unbuckles, pull over,
safety permitting, and wait patiently until they belt up again.
If
the noise or bickering level gets way out of hand, let your children know that
driving with those kinds of distractions is dangerous. Then pull over when
it’s safe and convenient, and silently wait for everyone to settle down. Your
children need to work things out between themselves, without any intervention on
your part. If they don’t pull their act together in a reasonable time, hi ho,
hi ho, it’s off to home they go!
Reverse
time-outs work pretty well, too. If my children are going bananas in the car, I
pull over, get out of the car, and wait quietly for them to settle down. They
do, too, and quickly. When I look through the car window at them, I have to
suppress my urge to throw back my head and laugh at their “Mom has really lost
it this time” look.
Anyone
who fights over or races to get the best seat has the last choice.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about car behavior?” “Why do you think we
have those rules?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “It’s dangerous to argue while
someone is trying to pay attention to their driving.” “Arguing about who
gets to sit where is not allowed in our family.”
Offer
them choices: “When you stop fighting in the car, then we can go to the
restaurant.”
For
repeat offenders, I set up a mock outing. Without tipping them off to my
ulterior and highly sneaky purpose, I’ll tell them to pile in the car for a
trip to someplace fun to which I couldn’t care less about going. Seaworld, for
example. Then I let them know that if they can’t behave in the car, I’ll
turn around and go home, no matter what. The trip should be a little bit long,
so they’ll be some time between that warning and your destination. And if they
mess up, as they’re bound to do, stick to your guns and go back home. Say as
little as possible, despite their ranting, raving, crying, and pleading. If they
do behave, point this out and ask them if the car trip was more pleasant
when everyone behaved civilly. Repeating this “mock run” from time to time
will keep the car monsters at bay.
Children
cheat to gain acceptance from their friends, teachers, and parents. Society
places so much importance on winning and getting good grades that there’s a
lot of pressure to do whatever needs to be done.
If
your children are caught cheating, they can do one or all of the following:
·
Restudy
the material until it’s mastered. No play or leisure time until then.
· Apologize to the teacher.
·
Accept a failing grade,
even if they’re the ones supplying the answers to someone else.
·
Require
them to be heavily monitored while taking tests, until the teacher and you feel
comfortable that they won’t cheat.
·
Make
them drop all extracurricular activities (football, karate, pep rallies, parties
and so on) until they show mastery of the subject without cheating.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Raise
your children to understand that the grades are not the real goal. The knowledge
attained and the perpetual thirst for learning are. Eventually, they’ll
internalize this concept as their own belief, which will then be fodder for
internal dialogue concerning the subject.
Use
questioning: “Why do you think some kids cheat?” “What do you think this
accomplishes for them?”
Teach
your children about the benefits of upholding their integrity through honesty
and about how integrity is all tied into their overall happiness.
Children
cling because they’re trying to seek undue attention, or to manipulate, or
because they’re genuinely fearful. It’s natural for younger children to go
through clingy phases, especially when they’re learning some new and scary
skill, experiencing stress at school, or feeling sick.
If
your children cling to you for undue attention or for other manipulative
reasons, simply insist that they give you your space: “Caroline, I’m reading
the paper now. You can sit in my lap when I’m finished.” Don’t make a big
deal about it, because yelling and nagging may be just the attention they seek,
even though it’s negative. If they cling to your leg like a boat anchor,
firmly peel them off and say, “I need to have my body to myself right now. I
know you’ll be perfectly fine on your own.”
If
your children cling to you out of fear, insecurity, fatigue, or illness,
negative logical consequences aren’t appropriate. They need you!
Solutions
toward self-direction
Help
your children feel that their surroundings are safe. Don’t scare them with
statements like “Never wander away from me, again! I was so scared! Someone
could have taken you away from me forever!” This fear only provides them with
a reason to be externally directed.
Convey
that you have faith in your children to handle themselves independently.
Give
your children ample opportunity to accomplish various feats of independence
early on, like making their own lunches or learning how to ride a bike.
Try
not to do what they can manage for themselves. I’ve seen mothers feeding their
eight- or nine-year-olds their cereal, for God’s sake! As if mothers don’t
have anything better to do with their time? They can come over to my house.
I’ll find plenty of ways to keep them busy!
Make
observations when they act independently: “You tied your shoes all by yourself
today, Ricky!” “Did you make your own breakfast just now, Brianna?”
Use
questioning: “What is it that frightens you?” “What do you think might
happen if you do that by yourself?”
Many
children find strength within a group. The exclusionary tactics of cliques makes
kids feel superior to others, because it classifies those who aren’t
“members” as inadequate or undeserving. Having both a common enemy and the
same privileged status binds them all closer together.
If
you discover that your children are involved in cliques, they shouldn’t be
allowed to play with those friends until exclusionary measures are stopped. That
means no parties, sleepovers, play dates, and so on.
Have
your children and their friends come up with ways to maintain the group
cohesiveness without excluding others. If they wish, help mediate and give
suggestions.
Require
them to make amends with whoever had their feelings hurt by the clique’s
exclusionary tactics.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Role-play
scenarios where your children play the child who is being ostracized.
Use
questioning: “How would you feel if a clique excluded you from play?”
“Can you think of a way you can maintain your friendships with these kids
without hurting other people’s feelings?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “I see Tommy really got upset when you
and your friends told him he couldn’t play hide-and-seek with you guys.”
“We don’t allow cliques in our family.”
Use
choices, too: “When you and Sarah can be friends without excluding others,
then you can get together again.”
Put
your children in charge of transforming the clique into an open group:
“Johnny, you’re such a good leader. Can you help your friends find ways to
play without making anyone feel left out?” When he realizes the benefits of
disbanding a clique, he’ll incorporate the experience for use in any future
internal dialogue.
Children
commit crimes to satisfy their curiosity, to comply with peer pressure, to
finance a drug habit, to feel powerful, to gain attention, to vent feelings of
jealousy, or to get revenge.
Regardless
of the crime, your children should feel the full extent of the legal
consequences. Don’t buy them out of the sticky mess, argue with the
authorities, help them come up with excuses, or rescue them in any other way.
If
you discover that your children shoplifted, make them return the stolen goods in
person, accompanied by a sincere apology.
If
you find that something of yours has been stolen, don’t force a confession
from your children. Instead, tell them that you expect it to be replaced within
an hour or so, or the cost of the item will be divided among and docked from
each child’s allowance.
Have
your children repay their victims in some way. If they vandalized the corner
store, make them clean up the mess, pay the cost of repairs, and work weekends
there (without pay) for a certain period of time. Of course, apologies given in
person are always called for.
Make
your children responsible for the costs of all legal fees, tickets, and fines.
Hey, if they have to earn the money breaking up rocks in the backyard with an
ice pick, so be it!
Remove
anything used to commit the crime. If they got caught speeding or driving
drunk,
take away the car. If they shot someone’s window with a BB gun, confiscate the
gun.
Tighten
up the reins. Make their curfew much earlier, don’t allow them to leave your
sight without adult supervision, drive them to school and take them physically
to class, veto any associations with their current friends with whom they seem
to be making bad choices, and so on. Tell them the reins will be loosened when you
feel more comfortable that they’ll respect the welfare and property of others.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “How do you think Mr. Parsons felt when you stole candy from his
store?” “Do you think taking things from others is a sign of strength or
weakness?” “What motivated you to do it?” “What do you plan to do to
make things all right?”
If
they have committed crimes in the past, have your children visit your local
jail, sit in one of the empty cells, wear a pair of handcuffs, and speak with
some of the police officers.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “The Miller family is law
abiding.” “We do not tolerate breaking the law, in our family.” “It
seems like getting caught for shoplifting really messed things up for you for
awhile. You seem very down since that happened.”
Children
complain to manipulate, to get attention, and to drive us bananas. Some complain
because they feel over-controlled and don’t think they have a voice in matters
that are important to them. Others complain because it works. They get their way
every time.
Once
your children complain inappropriately, like “I never get to go out with my
friends. You’re such a mean mother!” tell them they obviously don’t have
the maturity to voice their problems constructively and politely. In that case,
they’re too immature to go out alone with their friends.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Don’t
you gripe all of the time in front of your children, or speak
disrespectfully to them. Otherwise, they’ll internalize the assumption that
these are acceptable forms of behavior.
Raise
your children to understand that not everything works out as they expect. Teach
your children alternatives to complaining by rewording what they say:
Sally:
“It’s so boring in this family. I hate it!”
Mom:
“Mom, can you help me come up with some ways to spend my extra time?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Complaining only irritates
people. It’s the last thing that’ll get you what you want.” “We don’t
allow complaining in our family.”
Offer
choices: “When you stop complaining, then I’ll be able to listen to what you
have to say.”
Teach
your children to focus on the solution, not the blame. Complaining often is
their way of placing blame elsewhere.
Use
humor: In your most official voice, say something like, “This is an
announcement of the National Complaint Broadcasting System. The Webb residence
has now been declared a gripe-free zone. All violators will be prosecuted to the
fullest extent of the law.”
Try
to get them to communicate more cooperatively by approaching them with
observations: “I notice you’re complaining a lot. If you want me to listen,
you’ll need to speak to me more constructively and with a positive
attitude.”
Role-play
situations where first you and then they play the complainer.
Children
cry inappropriately, because they want to get their way, they’re tired or
sick, they’re overwhelmed, they want our attention, they want revenge, they
feel helpless, or they don’t know a better alternative. Children also have
different personalities. Some are just more sensitive than others are.
If
your children cry without good reason, just tell them, “That is not a good
reason to cry. If you insist on doing it, leave my space, and go cry where you
won’t be bothering anyone.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Sometimes
it helps to acknowledge their feelings: “You seem so angry. It’s so hard
when your friends are mean. But I know you’re clever enough to figure out a
way to make everything okay.”
Teach
them ways to handle emotions like frustration without crying. Role-playing can
help out here.
Raise
your children to be independent by not doing everything for them, by not
rescuing them from every difficulty, by allowing them to do increasingly
difficult feats over time, and so on.
Never
feel sorry for them, show sympathy, or give in to their demands when their
crying is a manipulative ploy. Otherwise, they’ll cry in an effort to
manipulate external stimuli. This is an external directed tactic.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You’re crying over not getting
your way again. It didn’t seem to do any good yesterday.”
Whether
the crying is appropriate or not, you can combine impartial descriptions with a
statement that you have faith in them to handle their own problems (and that
problem is not going to be more important to you than to them) by saying
something like “Hmm. Looks like you have a problem. What have you decided to
do about it?”
Some
children join cults to experiment with their own philosophies, to rebel against
conformity, or to take revenge on an over-controlling parent. Others seek
strength in numbers. And the identity that they can’t seem to find within
themselves is readily offered to them on a silver platter by certain groups.
Cults often use mind control and other methods of persuasion to lure new
members. Once initiated, children are given protection, a sense of belonging,
and something in which to believe.
If
your children become involved in a cult, yank them out of it, for goodness
sakes! Freedom of expression has its limits when there are safety concerns.
Anyway, cults usually impose the expression of beliefs on children by coercion.
Tighten
up the supervision. Make their curfew much earlier, don’t allow them to leave
your sight without adult supervision, drive them to school and take them
physically to class, veto any associations with their current friends, with whom
they seem to be making bad choices, and so on. Tell them that the reins will be
loosened when you feel more comfortable that they’ll make healthier
associations.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Let
your children know what you find so unique and special about them. Tell them
that you’re proud of them just the way they are and that you feel so fortunate
to be their parent. It’s important for them to incorporate these ideas to
reinforce their sense of self and to lend strength to that inner voice that
tells them they don’t need to search beyond their own skin to find what they
need.
Be
sure you’re not too controlling. Excessive controlling can make them
externally directed, which, in turn, makes them look to conformity with other
groups for a sense of belonging.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “In our family, we don’t let groups
make us trade our individuality for religious philosophies.”
Use
questioning: “What’s the purpose behind this group?” “Tell me what you
find appealing in its philosophies.” “What motivated you to join?” “Were
you ever made to feel uncomfortable?” Often, their alliance is so paper-thin
that when you get them to think about the details, it all falls apart.
Work
with your children to build healthy peer associations, like joining the
neighborhood basketball team, taking up a new skill, or getting involved in
church youth organizations. Again, this involvement gives them the
self-confidence they need to rely on their own opinions of who they are rather
than or the opinions of others.
Children
break their curfew because they lose track of time, are naïve enough to think
they can get by with it, are having too much fun to call it quits, want to be
treated as if they’re older than they really are, or want to rebel against
being over-controlled.
No
matter what type of curfew your children break (using the telephone or returning
home), they should automatically have their curfew time shortened by an hour or
two for one week to one month, depending on how badly it has been broken. You
can bypass this consequence if there was a reasonable excuse or if it’s their
first offense.
For
repeat offenders, take away telephone privileges or ground them from leaving the
house at night, depending on what type of curfew was broken.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Don’t
impose overly strict curfews. A lot depends on how responsible your children
are, where they plan to go, how bad the crime is in your area, and so on.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You’re using the telephone
past your curfew.”
Use
questioning: “Until what time are you allowed to use the telephone?” “Why
do you think we have that rule?” “What time is it now?”
Give
choices: “Lisa, you can abide by our phone curfew, or I can remove the phone
from your room.” “Bob, when you show more respect for our phone curfew, you
can get your phone privileges back.”
Use humor: Stick a picture of a
phone in the throes of exhaustion (tongue hanging out and all) on their phone
when curfew time approaches.
Some
children use profanity because they’ve heard it from others or because they
want to appear tough and grown up. Some use it to express anger or to enlist our
help.
If
your children swear, ask them to leave the room and return only when they can
use words that are acceptable. If your children are young and don’t understand
the meaning behind the words, tell them, “We don’t use those kinds of words
in our family.”
Your
children should be required to make amends with whoever was subjected to their
foul mouth.
Solutions
toward self-direction
When
your children utter curse words, never show surprise. That might be just the
external reaction they’re looking for. If you slip up and curse, apologize to
them.
Offer
choices: “When you can use appropriate language, then you can go back outside
and play with your friends.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I notice you’re cursing more
since you’ve made friends with Richard.” “Cursing is a disrespectful way
of treating others.”
Acknowledge
your children’s feelings if anger or frustration motivates them to curse: “I
know how angry you must be that your team lost the game, but I’d like you to
express your feelings without using foul language.” Help your children come up
with alternative words. Role-play this whenever they’re in a situation that
incited them to curse.
Ask
your children if they understand the meaning behind the foul language. Discuss
how specific words can affect others, especially words with sexual or racial
overtones. They need this information to formulate the most effective internal
dialogue in making decisions regarding their language.
Although
all children occasionally forget or get distracted, many dawdle or procrastinate
to get attention, to shun failure, to avoid making choices, to gain control back
from over-controlling parents, or to get revenge. It’s a passive-aggressive
tactic that allows them to get away with their bad choices in an underhanded
way.
Let
your children suffer the natural consequences that are sure to bite them in the
behind when they procrastinate. Don’t bail them out of the “incomplete”
they get on their school assignments. Don’t drive them to school when they
miss the bus.
If
their dawdling inconveniences you, have them pay you back in time. “You
didn’t take the garbage out in time, so I had to rush out with it when I heard
the garbage truck in front of the house. That took fifteen minutes of my time.
You owe me fifteen minutes of hard labor.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Show
complete disinterest in their many excuses for falling behind or failing to
finish something. Delegating such problems to others allows your children to
wash their hands of it and, therefore, avoid contemplating the task internally,
Follow
up on the requests you make to your children. For instance, suppose you ask them
ten times to carry out the trash, which is met with “Later, Dad” each time.
Then, you forget all about it, and Mom winds up hauling it out instead. You’ve
just proved to them that procrastination is an effective way to get what they
want!
Use
impartial descriptions: “You haven’t completed your book report, and it’s
due tomorrow. I’m sure Mrs. Withers gives zeroes for incomplete work.”
Give
choices: “When you’ve done your homework, then you can go outside and
play.”
Use
questioning, “What makes it so hard for you to get your work done?” “Do
you have a hard time beginning the work or finishing it?”
Children
defy us because they have their own minds (gosh darn, don’t you just hate
that?). They want to test their limits and power. Some defy us to counter attack
being over-controlled or over-protected, to take revenge, or to avoid doing
something unpleasant. Some defy us because they feel unfairly treated. And some
defy us because they’ve been raised in a permissive environment and can get
away with murder!
Anything
other than logical consequences will often make defiant children worse, because
they see punishment as a green light to retaliate with even more
defiance.
Here’s an appropriate logical
consequence for a defiant child: If Billy refuses to hold your hand when you
cross the street, say,
“I’m not going to be able to take you to the store with me right now,
because you’re choosing to be unsafe. Maybe we can try again later.” If Jane
refuses to get into the car when the family’s going out for pizza, say,
“Okay, since you’ve chosen not to come with us, I’ll take you to Ms.
Harris’ next door. She can sit with you until we get back.” Remember to use
your most convincing “ho hum” attitude so your children know that you
don’t intend to take on their problems.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Pick
your battles. Don’t say “no” to their every request just to “be in
charge.” Saying “no” to every request will just turn you into an external
influence your children feel compelled to rebel against.
Don’t
over-protect your children. This also incites externally directed rebellion
among the natives.
Always
speak respectfully to your children, and try not to have the last word all the
time. Again, you’re just setting yourself up as an external influence . . . an
emotional punching bag for your children.
Create
meaningful discipline. Never use physical punishment. Invite cooperation.
For instance, if your children usually refuse to do their chores, ask them to
supervise their younger siblings with their chores while they do their
own. Give them the feeling that you sincerely need their help. Even the general
statement: “I’m having a hard time and would really appreciate it if you’d
help me out by cooperating” works well. It gives them a sense of power. If
children feel they are needed—that they truly have a way to contribute to the
pack—they will be cooperative.
Give
your defiant children choices: “Do you want to come here now and unload the
dishwasher, or would you like to do it after you eat breakfast?” This also
gives them the power they seek.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “You are treating me badly. It
doesn’t make me feel like being around you.”
Try not to tell your children what to do.